THE WORLD ENDS BUT THE MOVIE DOESN’T.
2 hours: 38 minutes of plot droppings across the TV screen.
Plot line: A doomsday Mayan prophesy comes to pass, along with other noxious fumes wafting from the DVD player.
With recycled lines of dialog like, “We’re going to need a bigger plane,” also used in Jaws – “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” – characters as flat as the worldview in 1492, and special effects that use the same sequence of cracks zigzagging across ground in the earthquake scenes – 2012 falls apart with the city of LA.
Our hero, Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), an author, chauffeur, and divorced father of two, spews the “We need a bigger plane” line when he realizes the private jet whisking him and his extended family (more later) away to safety from a crumbling LA, doesn’t have a big enough gas tank to make it to China.
Why China? You may or may not ask. That’s where the big boats are, also known as arks, or the End of World Cruise Line.
Before you get up to splash cold water on your face, let me tell you about Jackson Curtis’ extended family. It consists of his ex-wife Kate, son Noah, and daughter Lily, plus his wife’s plastic surgeon boyfriend, Gordon, who pilots the plane. Not a good time for our hero to take a swing at the plastic surgeon boyfriend. Besides, who would rebuild his nose?
Our hero’s “Bigger plane”epiphany occurs during a necessary fuel stop at Yellowstone Park, where Jackson procures a Top Secret Map from a trailer owned by conspiracy theorist, Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), who broadcasts a radio show from Yellowstone, which is now a giant volcano.
Got that so far?
Jackson and his extended family escape certain disaster, unlike the movie, when Yellowstone Park explodes with the force of an atomic bomb. Despite Jackson’s pleas, Charlie decides to stay in order to provide his deceased listeners with one last broadcast. As seismic activity rocks the Park and lava hurls from the mountaintop, Charlie Frost admires nature’s destructive powers seconds before he melts.
Airborne once again, (I didn’t do it), Jackson and his extended family of five, fly through lava, rocks, and stuff that hurdles toward them, as they continue searching for a bigger plane and an airport that still has a snack bar and working restroom.
The gang lands somewhere – I lost track by this point, either Las Vegas, Washington D.C., or Moscow – and meets up with Jackson’s not-so-nice Russian billionaire boss (remember Jackson’s a chauffeur), the boss’s girlfriend, pudgy identical twins, and personal pilot.
Jackson convinces his Russian billionaire boss to allow his extended family passage on the Russian’s giant plane by touting Gordon’s ability to co-pilot a plane. Luckily, the Russian’s pilot recently posted a co-pilot job on Craigslist and so was in need of one.
Quickly recapping, Gordon, who is Jackson’s wife’s boyfriend, is a plastic surgeon/passable pilot and was somehow able to fly them to where ever they landed in a smaller private plane.
Blah, blah, blah.
They run out of fuel over Hawaii, I think, which is now near Mount Kilimanjaro because the earth’s topography shifted. They crash, escape in an expensive car with the Russian’s family and plastic surgeon/former co-pilot, by driving down a ramp, while the Russian pilot controls the out of control plane. The pilot dies, everyone else on the plane lives; they hitch a ride with Chinese peasants, get to the arks, and . . .
I don’t want to ruin the ending, if you can stay awake that long. In a nutshell, some characters live, others die, one is mutilated, and there’s lots of water.
Why spend 2 hours and 38 minutes scratching your head and gorging yourself on multiple bowls of popcorn when you could spend 10 minutes reading the plot on Wikipedia.
2012, an apocalyptic movie. Watch Seinfeld reruns instead.
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Twitter: TechPatio
Clearly there’s a difference in movie tastes, but maybe you expected something different than what you should have?
I suppose this is what you can call a “studio movie” – made to generate an income and not to win oscars for best story etc. I still liked it, though.
Klaus recently blogged..Review- Sony MDR-570LP Lightweight Fashion Stereo Headphones
I missed this movie at the cinema and so wanted to get it on DVD and after you review, I reckon I’ll buy rather than rent – we all love a good bit of doomsday Mayan prophesy don’t we.
Twitter: thinkspin
Klaus,
It’s interesting hearing the viewpoint of someone who saw the movie in the theater. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I think viewing a movie in the theater and at home are two totally different experiences.
Viewing a big budget disaster movie on a small TV screen exposes all the plot and character flaws. In a theater, the movie overpowers a viewer. You get the full force of the special effects and are thrust into the actions on the screen. When watching a movie on the small screen, the focal point is more on story and character since you don’t feel like you’re there (in the movie) with the characters experiencing what they do and feeling their pain.
lasalk recently blogged..WTF Did the Cashier Say Now
Thank you very much for warning me about this movie – I have a friend who will attempt to subject me to watch this, and now I can point to this post and say “no thanks.”
ashok recently blogged..Select Posts on American History
Twitter: thestarceleb
I saw this movie too and was incredibly bored. I’m not exactly sure what I expected, but I thought it was going to be a lot better than it was. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
Twitter: thinkspin
Glad I could help. I wonder if other people who saw the movie in the theater liked it, as opposed to watching the DVD on TV.
Lauren recently blogged..Guest Post on 2012 DVD at Blazing Minds – The Actors Look Smaller on TV!
Twitter: AnneOnline
THANK YOU! I rented this and felt that it could have ended several times (the ending really was bad, I mean — SPOILER ALERT — the computers were still working enough for him to type out his next book). And how their cell phones (satellite phones maybe) were still working throughout the entire film. But mostly it had a lot of unnecessary filler. It could have been edited down to a much more enjoyable 2 hours instead of them continually narrowly escaping earth shattering catastrophe.
If you must watch, rent do not buy.
Anne Bender recently blogged..Saving Money 101- Specialty Coffee
I loved the review.
I’m not a fan of long movies that go nowhere slowly.
BTW, what did you think of Titanic?
I’d tell you my opinion but I passed on that one, too.
ReformingGeek recently blogged..Guys and Dolls and 30 Years
Twitter: colleenlane
“2012, an apocalyptic movie. Watch Seinfeld reruns instead.”
Ok, we are already watching Seinfeld reruns, so what’s next?
Colleen recently blogged..For 3 days- 25 off at Old Navy
Twitter: thinkspin
TV shows I recommend: Mad Men (AMC) and Rescue Me (FX) for the main course. The Office and 30 Rock for appetizers. I also watch that show what’s it called … Bite Me? No, True Blood (HBO). Also loved the show Dexter (Showtime) when we had the channel.
I loved Titanic. It was long – what 20 hours or something? But it had a compelling story, characters you loved, and fancier clothes.
lasalk recently blogged..Guest Post on 2012 DVD at Blazing Minds – The Actors Look Smaller on TV!
Twitter: udegbunamchuks
ROFLMAO. Stop! The movie wasn’t that bad. Just that it ran way too long and there were just too many narrow escapes
Twitter: thinkspin
Narrowly escaping a nuclear blast without melting would be a good example . : )
lasalk recently blogged..The Backside of the Unemployment Front
Twitter: money_whisper
I saw this movie in BluRay and I liked the special effects. You are right, there are some details that made the movie unbelievable but the things that happened in the movie can really happen in reality. I mean, yes, Yellowstone is really a huge volcano that can destroy all the American continent if it erupts and scientists say that it came at a stage in which it can erupt anytime…sad but true. Anyway, the special effects were good and this is exactly what I expected when I saw the movie. Maybe you were expecting something else
Twitter: thinkspin
Hi John,
I’m glad you enjoyed the movie. It’s interesting to hear a different viewpoint. Especially when watching a sci movie or fantasy, the story needs to be grounded in reality. The film completely lost me when they were able to escape the nuclear explosion, a.k.a. Yellowstone eruption. I still watched the whole thing anyway, but my perception of the film changed from engaged and excited to, “So, what else can happen?” My husband left the room after the first hour.
lasalk recently blogged..Confessions of a Serial Plant Killer
Good to know. I’ve watched far too many bad movies lately.
Twitter: thinkspin
Sorry for the belated response. I didn’t see your comment. Glad my review was helpful. Just received Invictus in the mail from Netflix. I’ll read your post after I watch it. Thanks for commenting.
Lauren recently blogged..Houdini Mutt and the Vanishing String
I did not watched the whole movie but it seems entertaining although there are some scenes that was boring. Still the story has its own uniqueness from their costumes until their special effects.
Twitter: thinkspin
Mirriam,
It was a really long movie. My husband fell asleep somewhere between Las Vegas and China. The movie definitely had a uniqueness about it.
lasalk recently blogged..Shameless Self Promotion- Guest Post on Blogging at Blazing Minds