Motorways are convenient, they are an easy way to get from A to B, almost every country in the world has them. Sometimes they are called something different, but in essence, they are usually a multi-laned road with a higher than the normal speed limit. There are issues with motorways, though, and that is anyone is allowed to drive on them. That means imbeciles, rude people and complete a*seholes are able to use them. This month, I look at the most annoying things people do on motorways.

Straddling the White Line’s in Between Lanes

You’ve all been behind these idiots. You can’t overtake them on a two-lane carriageway, because you don’t know which lane they are supposed to be in, I often wonder if they know. What do these people think the white lines are for? It’s pretty simple to figure it out. Remember in school when you wrote in between the two lines on your paper? There’s the clue thicko! Choose your lane and stick to it unless you need to overtake! Which brings me on to the next thing…….

Middle Lane Hoggers

This has to be my biggest pet hate when it comes to motorway driving, people who decide to use the middle lane regardless of whether there is anyone on the inside lane. They are not overtaking, they just seem to tootle along at the speed limit (or slightly less if they want to annoy other motorists more). I don’t know what possesses people to do this, are they scared that they might fall off the edge of the motorway if they use the outside lanes? Perhaps they are concerned that if they go into the inside lane, they may never get out again. There are those that drive at 60mph in the middle lane of British motorway’s, inevitably they believe that there are different speed limits for each lane, 50mph for the inside, 60mph for the middle lane and 70mph for the outside lane. If they are caught doing 60mph on the inside lane, they may be arrested and put on death row. It’s a rational fear, after all!

Lorries Overtaking Lorries

I am assuming that maths was never a strong subject for lorry drivers who do this. Lorries tend to do their maximum speed limit, or very close to it when on the motorway. So, when a lorry, with a maximum speed of 60mph, overtakes another lorry on the motorway with the same maximum speed, it takes around 4 hours to complete the manoeuvre. This is most annoying when on a dual carriageway, you see two lorries ahead, you are approaching faster than they are going, so you pull out to overtake, but wait, the lorry behind travelling at 60mph decides he needs to overtake first. He can’t stay behind a lorry driving at 59mph, that would delay his journey by around 30 seconds and that just won’t do! Be prepared for a long wait behind the lorry now!

Changing Lanes in a Traffic Jam

It always baffles me when I see people do this. We are all moving at less than 10mph, we are all annoyed, as nobody likes being stuck in a warm car on a motorway for hours. People who change lanes consistently do nothing more than stress other drivers out. They don’t get anywhere faster, they don’t have an improved journey, the scenery doesn’t get any better, absolutely nothing changes, so why do it? This brings me onto the most annoying thing about motorway driving, that thing that makes me want to pull my hair out (what little hair I have left anyway)…………..

Pushing In

This isn’t just any old pushing in, this is the ultimate in pissing people off. I am talking about when a lane has been closed 1000 metres up the road, there are signs to make people aware, these are usually spread out every 200 metres or so. You can see that the sensible drivers start to filter into the two remaining lanes in plenty of time. This ensures that there isn’t a bottle neck at the start of the lane closure. It’s common knowledge that this is the best thing to do, and 99% of drivers follow this unwritten rule. There is that 1% though, that use the last 500 metres of the empty lane as a way to drive at 70mph and race past the queue of patient people, they then cause that bottleneck that everyone else has tried to avoid. This then makes everyone a little bit later. If you are in this situation and have complied with the unwritten law, then you see rude bastards doing this, then pull into the empty lane and drive at the same speed as the queue, this will stop people from being able to do this…….You then see the bare faced cheek of these people, as they beep you as if you are doing something wrong.

As you can probably tell, there is nothing that annoys me more about motorway driving than that. There are plenty of other things too, like people speeding up just as you start to overtake them, then slow down again if you pull back in behind them. I’d better stop talking about this now, though, my blood pressure is just about to go through the roof, so much so, that if I was standing over Pompeii right now, the residents would be cacking themselves.

Phil Woods

Phil Woods

Comedy writer with Steve Smith. Author of the book & Satire Website, 'The Daily Skid - The best bits' also Beat About the Bush with @GiftedDuck