This week I am going to turn my attention to some things that really annoy me in my everyday driving life. So if you like to read a little bit of moaning then carry on, otherwise, skip this bit and read a sweet inoffensive book by an author from the 1700’s who probably wore a flowery hat!

So you are still with me then, that’s good, I’m going to focus on a few things that really annoy me this week, and most of them are to do with parking. If you find yourself offended in any way shape or form by this article, then good, because it means that you do one of the very things that annoy the hell out of me and many other people.

Lets start with speed bumps, yes I have covered them before but lets think about how we try to drive over them for the good of our cars. We try to take them so that the tyres are on either side of the speed bump meaning that the highest point is under the car, putting less strain on the suspension etc, (yes, I know some people still believe that it is better to let one wheel go over the highest point and the other avoid it all together, common sense says that’s wrong so lets leave that there). My problem isn’t with how people drive over them, my biggest problem is with the complete idiots who decide to park their cars next to a speed bump. He doesn’t make it difficult to get passed him at all does he? Not without risking your suspension.

I’ll stick with speed humps because there is another very annoying aspect to them, and again it’s down to drivers. This time it’s those idiot teenagers who modify their cars so much that they are too low to go over the speed bump at anything more than 1 mph. It doesn’t make the roads any safer, because these numbskulls rev up in between the speed bumps to try and get to as fast a speed as possible. Of course, everyone catches up with them at the next speed bump and has to wait whilst they gingerly make their way over it to protect their £800 exhaust (which incidentally makes the same noise as my exhaust when it has a hole in it).

Finally, as I totally destroy any hope that going over a speed bump will be normal again, there are those who you sit with as a passenger and forget that they are actually there, they don’t slow down at all, they don’t position themselves for a smooth journey over them, they just go, just drive over them as if they don’t exist. You end up with lunch approaching the entrance it went down earlier, your head hits the car roof and they don’t listen to you when you say, “You do know there are speed bumps on this road, don’t you?” They usually respond with, “Yes, of course I know, I’m not blind.” No you are not blind, I agree with that, but you are stupid. These people usually complain when their car fails its MOT for new track rod ends, or the suspension snaps and it costs them a few hundred pounds,

Driving over speed humps should be a simple thing, unfortunately, it isn’t, instead it has become one of the most annoying parts of driving. If you think it ends with what I have said, then you have not been very observant. Watch the person in front next time you find a road with speed bumps, people just don’t know how to deal with them. I’ve only scratched the surface here in this column, you guys and girls could make this column ten times as long.

Happy motoring

Phil Woods

Phil Woods

Comedy writer with Steve Smith. Author of the book & Satire Website, 'The Daily Skid - The best bits' also Beat About the Bush with @GiftedDuck