It’s the weekend and you’ve decided to take a trip to the cinema. It’s something everyone enjoys doing, piling into a large dark room to watch the latest Talkie with other hairless monkeys. But every now and again there is someone who didn’t quite get to the monolith in time and has to ruin it for the rest of us.
Or at least for me, most of you probably couldn’t care less, but someone has to and it may as well be me. Below is a small list of mannerisms, behaviours and some animal attitudes that SHOULD NOT be allowed to continue.
Cinema Etiquette 101
This one should go without saying, all kinds of talking cups, famous actors and phone companies have told you about it. There is no reason beyond your armpits catching fire for you to say anything after the logos start. You don’t need to ask me about the film we are watching at the same time, I unfortunately can’t see the future, or I wouldn’t have to come to this screening with you. And if you are gonna go off and have a full-blown conversation about something, then please just… leave.
We aren’t keeping you here against your will. We aren’t keeping your Mother hostage until you finish watching Transformers 4, (I’d give up on Mom myself) you can go outside and talk about last nights sesh.
We live in a golden age of technology where I can, at any point, check what that guy from my high school English class is doing or what my sister is eating. But when I’ve paid more than I would for actual food to go watch a film about fake food turning into people, you swiping left can wait 45 minutes. There’s nothing worse than 2 hours of tension building when just as the murderer is about to stab the girl and DING DONG, your phone beeps and lights up like the Sun after a Red Bull to take my attention away.
I understand you might be worried about leaving your kid with the new babysitter, she might just be the Ninja Assassin you suspected she was, but my 3-year-old figured out the volume button, you might be able to as well, if you just believe.
Feet. Take them off the chairs. Just… REALLY? I mean, what are you doing? Really, go fix yourself you ANIMAL.
OK, now, I understand some things in films can be scary, and some things can be funny, and these will make you react in certain ways, I ain’t judging you for that. But let me let you two stories of things that happened to me. Number One. Drag Me To Hell. I love Sam Raimi. The Evil Dead trilogy are some of my favourite films of all time. So when this film came out, I was pretty excited. But of course, some of you walking bags of sweat and puss had to ruin it for me.
Two fully grown, somehow dressed themselves, apparently human, possible part badger cinema goers took what should be good experience away from me. During the film these two people decided they would shout ‘THATS A CAT’ and ‘GOAT’ when they appeared on-screen. Because apparently Old McDemon had a seance? Secondly, they also wanted to point out that ‘THATS FUNNY’ and ‘THATS SCARY’. Now, I know I mentioned talking before but this was shouting, the whole cinema heard them and I hope I wasn’t the only person thinking about what to do with my empty popcorn tub. Honestly, it’s not panto. They can’t hear you. Shut up, leave, don’t come back and stay quiet. The next example is from the film Despicable Me 2.
Now I know what you are thinking, don’t pick on the kids, and don’t worry I am not about to. No, this example concerns two teenage Soylent Green samples that sat next to me and my then 4-year-old, these two girls managed to commit every damn sin in my handbook, they talked to each other, loudly, They used their phones. They obnoxiously laughed and repeated jokes from the film and even started to sing along with a song that was in the film; about 30 minutes after the song was in the film. I hope one of these girls reads this and realizes that your behaviour was truly, truly atrocious. To the point that my 4-year-old asked me about why you were so misbehaved. Shame on you. SHAME.
So, to conclude the above are just the first few of many, many things people do that annoy me when I go to the cinema, trust me, there is a lot more. So, please. Next time you go to the public picture house to watch the latest action spectacular, heart-warming romance frightening horror film, please be mindful of the rest of the room watching the film along side you. We have twitter and we WILL use it.
Till next time!